New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I wear drunk well.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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