He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
