Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
