In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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