WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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