i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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