And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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