u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
