I hate all girls vehemently.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
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Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
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This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out