i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
