He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Randomize
