bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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