That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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