there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
