My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Randomize
