Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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