drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
