i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
