I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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