That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I just found a bag of teeth...
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
