i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
