he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
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i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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