Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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