I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!