Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
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We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
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I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Enjoy the penises