why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that