toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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