dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
