New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
