I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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