I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
