And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
They should really pass out barf bags in church
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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