what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I will pee on everything he values.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
