Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
My bed smells like the plague
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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