Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
