you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
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I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
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Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.