If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
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Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
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Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.