need another drink. this is the easiest way
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
