she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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