You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
