Your face is a jimmy john
If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
