I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I would ride that face into the sunset
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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