i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
