just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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