Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
