3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I deserve this hangover.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
