I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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