Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Randomize
