If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
