heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Randomize
