it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
is that a dick in a sweater?
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