I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Still dying that you shit outside
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
