She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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