Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
