Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
