paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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