it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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