Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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