Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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