I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
