MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
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I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
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University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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