On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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