Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
